Dear Allah,
please help me. I don't know what to do. I feel myself entering the world of depression. I miss them so much. I know You have taken back what You had lent to me as a gift, and I thank You for that. But, You see, they were such great gifts that I miss them, there is a void now in my life. So if I cry for them, it is a tribute to You because You created such awesome gifts for me.
I used to pray for death until I recently found out that it is a sin to do so. I do apologize and hope that You forgive me since I committed this sin in ignorance. But when You think I am ready to be with the boys, please do take me. Whatever is Your will, is my desire. That has become my closing now for every prayer. Your will, my desire.
Abroo
A.,your boys were a gift but I also know that your life remains a gift to those here who love you, even if it feels like a burden to you now. You have been given an extraordinary burden and God, in His/Her infinite wisdom, love and compassion, I believe, will not deny you any of your emotions as you figure out how to work through this incredibly difficult year.
ReplyDeleteI hope it's helpful to remember though that as your boys were and are loved, so are you. And as they are profoundly missed, so would you be. Your being here is our gift and, most importantly, a gift to your husband and daughter. They would not be ok if you they were to lose you too soon, too. Not all all. As unknowably (to me and everyone else) hard as this is, I am relieved to hear you take yet another step in the many steps you have already bravely taken to commit to life.
PS: And I fervently believe God will patiently support you with only love and understanding as you figure out how to work through the many years of longing ahead.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kim. I try to be consciously good now and when I found out it was a sin to pray for death, I was like, great, now I'm going to go to hell and never be with the boys. Sounds silly, but it made me so worried. Funny how priorities change in life.
ReplyDeleteHoney, if you end up in hell, I want no part of that heaven.
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