One Hundred Days

This picture was taken in January 2010 at a bat mitzvah

Dreams can be so cruel. I dreamt this morning that I had somewhere to go (to work or something) and I was worried the kids would be bored at home by themselves. In my dream, I thought I would ask their aunt, KS, to take them to her local pool for the day. A sense of satisfaction comes over me in the dream now that my problem is resolved. Suddenly, like an arrow piercing my neck, it hits me that my boys are dead...it doesn't matter anymore. I have lost my boys.

I woke up then as the alarm clock went off. My heart was racing, I was feeling as if each breath I took was a struggle, my stomach felt like it was on fire. And I just wanted to die. Just die. But now my motto is God's will, my desire.

I wondered why am I feeling so terrible today. And I remembered...today it is one hundred days since they died. One hundred days since my QMM died. One hundred days since my AMM died. One hundred days.