Seconds

When I wake up, I face my anguish. Going through the long, dragging seconds. Seconds, that do not include you at my side. Seconds, that do not include you talking to me, or I talking to you. Seconds, where I sit alone in front of the TV, watching, but not seeing, what we used to see together. Seconds, where I keep on glancing at where you used to sit. Seconds, where I have so much to say to you, but no longer can. Seconds, where my arms ache to hold you, but instead they hold faraway memories. Seconds, where I long to see you by my side, but instead see shadows of your existence. Of you.

Memories of my AMM

I miss AMM so much. Not that I miss one boy more over the other; it's just that QMM was an independent teenager on his way to becoming a young man. And AMM was my sidekick. Actually, I'm not sure if he was my sidekick, or if I was HIS sidekick. We would watch movies together. Usually, he would get fixated on one movie, so we would watch it repeatedly (as in every day repeatedly!). For some reason, I never got bored..in fact, I looked forward to our movie time together. We would put on the movie, AMM would grab the nearest blanket, and then we would snuggle while watching the movie.

Now, let me tell you about the snuggling. He would curl up alongside my body, or sometimes in my lap. His body was so soft, so malleable, that he would conform his body to mine and we would sit or lie together comfortably, covered with a warm blanket. We were like two peas in a pod.He was so soft, so warm. He had not hit the teenage years yet, so he still had the body of a child, though he was starting to grow taller. What cozy times we had together; not only physically cozy, but also emotionally cozy and satisfying.

It was fun watching TV shows with him too, for the same reason. One of our favorite shows we liked to watch together was Penguins of Madagascar. Yesterday, I watched it for the first time without him. It was an episode we had seen together. I watched it, but didn't enjoy it.I watched it, but didn't see it. I had our blanket on, but I didn't feel cozy or comfortable. All I felt was his absence, and my loss.

For that is what I feel now...lost. AMM was the focus of my life. My goal had been for him to overcome his challenges, make his weaknesses his strengths. And, how well he was doing! I was so proud of his accomplishments, just as he was.

Now I feel as if I am a ship without an anchor, just drifting aimlessly along. There is no destination now; I am allowing the winds of life to push me where they may, the waves of fate can move me wherever they wish to take me.

I miss how he would come into my bed - late at night, or early morning - snuggle up against me, conforming his form against my form, and sleep. He fit perfectly in my arms. He was perfect for me.

I am trying to distract myself, to keep myself busy. As well as a new job, I have started other activities. These include blogging, crocheting, taking art lessons, taking piano lessons, as well as continuing to read. But nothing helps. I still feel lost, maybe this is how it will be form now on. This, then, is my new life, my new reality.