I always thought QMM's eyes reflected his personality. Beautiful, beautiful eyes. From a distance, they could trick you. They appeared to be dark eyes, like mine. However, as you got closer to him...
My God...QMM...AMM. Sometimes when I think of you I feel that there are no words to describe what I feel. My throat feels as if it's closing up, I'm gasping for air, suffocating slowly...
Sorry...back to the eyes. Yes, as you would get a closer glimpse of them you could see that they were actually lighter than my eyes; they were brown in color. A beautiful brown color. I loved looking at his eyes. And, QMM being QMM, knew that he had gorgeous eyes. I would sometimes call him "hey brown eyes" , and he would look at me, as if saying "and your point is?". He knew that the girls in his school also liked his eyes, as he had told me on many an occassion (I never had to worry that he had self-esteem issues!). His sister would sometimes say "it's not fair. Why couldn't I have eyes like him?".
His eyes were so round, so rich in color. Limitless in their depths, with the black pupils in the center. I try to remember them that way, when he would be looking at me, talking to me; his eyes full of life and animation.
I try to block out when I pulled up his eyelids, when he was lying on the floor, motionless, with the ceiling fan continuing its rotations above him. His pupils were fully dilated, so that all I could see were the thin outer rims of his brown irises, and the middle was eclipsed by abnormally large dark pupils. There was no pupillary reflex. There was no smile in the eyes, no "this is all a joke..gotcha!" There was no voice from the form lying above on the bed, saying "we tricked you!!!".
And then, when I saw those eyes for the final time after we landed in NY. Both of my boys' eyelids were slightly ajar. I could see the pigmentation of their beautiful eyes was fading. And I knew they needed to be laid to rest.
But then, when I start feeling the horror revisit me, I try to remember; in my dream, his eyes were still brown, beautiful, full of expression. And that's what I need to remember.
