I think I have taken a significant step. On sunday, I decided something. Not because I should, but because I WANT to. Big difference between the two, you know? People have been telling me I should live for my daughter, for my husband. And every time they said it, it used to kind of, well, slide off my back, puddling at my feet. It would have no impact on me. I would sidestep this offered puddle of hope, and wallow in my loss instead.But something happened sunday. I don't know why, but I decided I WANT to live. I WANT to be here for my daughter, help her through her ups and downs in life, for she no longer has two brothers to help her. I WANT to be here for my husband, for what we have between us is something very special. I still WANT to be with my sons, but I can't get this time back with MAM and BAM. I should enjoy my time with my family, my co-workers (who I have become very dependent on), my friends, and my patients. I will eventually die, I will eventually be with them.
Will this feeling last? I don't know....but at least I have felt this feeling, this surge of desire, for the first time. Even though part of me feels as if I am betraying AMM and QMM by wanting to live, at the same time I just know they want me to live, and not to feel guilty. The pain is still there, but I think I am learning to live with the pain. Today, when I told BAM this turning point in my grief journey, he said that he thought AMM would be happy with my choice. The next thing I knew, I was crying, and he was holding me, crying also.
But, still, this indeeed, is a turning point.
Thanks to all of you, for not giving up on me.
