I took a baby step on Thursday. I went to the WOW gym, the local gym that BAM, MAM, QMM, and I used to frequent. After coming back from Pakistan, BAM and I had our memberships frozen. I couldn't even bear the thought of going to the gym where QMM used to love to hang out. He was friends with the trainers there; he was all over the gym...on the basketball court, on the treadmills, on the weight machines, on the push up bar.I think in April or May I told BAM I wanted to get my membership reactivated. We drove to the gym, the three of us. I chickened out and sat in the car with MAM while BAM went in alone to reactivate both of our accounts. After he was done, he came out from the gym. Instead of coming to the car, he leaned against the wall of the gym and started crying uncontrollably.
I never did go to the gym...just couldn't. Even the parking lot was difficult; seeing spots where QMM used to wait for me to pick him up; seeing the area where I used to drop him off.
Until Thursday. I guess some thoughts had been fermenting in my mind over the past week. I saw patients who had diabetes, were wheelchair bound, who had suffered from strokes and were impaired as a result. And during the week, I started to think. God gave me this body. It is a gift, this life. Regardless, of my loss, this life and everything in it is a gift. I MUST appreciate it like I used to appreciate everything before March 29th. And I don't want to be part of a life where, due to my neglect, I am physically weak or dependent on others. Why spurn God's gift, and then get punished from Him? And what would QMM think?
And so Thursday, I came home from work, changed, and drove to the gym. As I drove to the gym, I could feel my heart racing, I had severe heartburn, I couldn't breathe right, and I felt my anxiety level hitting panic level. Come to think of it, it was a panic attack. I drove into that parking lot, where images of QMM appeared before my eyes. I parked the car, and thought, can I do this? Can I? And then I thought, I WILL do it. I got out of that car, and then walked into the gym. Into the gym that my QMM loved going to. I saw him everywhere I looked. But I was going to do my best, if not for myself, then in honor of QMM's memory.
I went on an elliptical machine, and watched Friends while exercising. I kept on glancing at spots I used to glance at before in the gym, and see QMM doing his thing. But he wasn't there. I was there, the gym was there, the people were there, but my QMM was not there.
Yet I did it...I completed my workout and then went to the sauna. The sauna. There too, his memories haunted me. There are separate saunas for males and females. They share the same wall, so QMM and I used to talk (loudly!) through the walls sometimes or knock on the mutual wall. The sauna was empty, I felt empty. But I did it.
As I walked out of the locker area, there was no QMM waiting for me. Nor did I have to wait for him to finish up his workout.
By the time I left the gym, I no longer had a racing heart, I no longer felt short of breath, but the heartburn pursued. But that's okay. I went to our gym, I went Friday, and I went today. Baby steps. I hope you're proud of me, QAM.
