Today, BMM, MAM, KA (my sister), and I went to the beach. The beach that I used to take all the kids to when they were younger. They had so much fun there. We would sometimes meet up with cousins (in fact, it was KS...one of the infamous cousins) who introduced us to that particular beach. We also went there with a neighbor and her kids many times. MAM and QMM would be in the water together facing the waves. AMM was more like me, cautious. The first few years of his life he was in fact scared to be even touched by the water. As he overcame his phobia of water (bath time used to be torture also in his younger years), he started to be near the water, though not in it. For me, though, that wa a victory in itself. The last few years he actually went in more than he had ever done in years past. I was so proud of his achievements! How far he had come!
I remembered how we would spend the whole day at this particular beach, how AMM would be making his sand castles as MAM and QMM would be in the water with their cousins or neighbors. What great memories! I remember how I told AMM that he could pee in the ocean (yes, I am one of those mothers) and his look of bewilderment mixed with horror. I convinced him that everyone does it. So the poor kid stood there in the water, and was about to pull his trunks down. I told him not to pull the trunks down, to which he replied in a pleading tone "can I have some toilet paper then please?". His expression was priceless!
Today, QMM and AMM were not there. MAM had nobody to go in the water with her for QMM is no longer with us. There was nobody to build sandcastles or bury in the sand, for AMM is no longer with us. The ocean waves were there, the same blue sky with the picturesque clouds were there, but my two dear sons were nowhere to be seen.
It felt very strange, and I felt empty. As if there was a hole in the center of my body, a big, gaping hole. It is ever present and seems as if it will consume all of my being. It's as if I have eyes, but can't see. I have feet, but have no destination to walk to. I have ears, but cannot hear.
Broken, I feel irrepairably broken.
It was a gift to have had QMM for 15 years in my life, a gift to have had AMM in my life for 12 years. I wish I could have had them longer, but it was not God's will. And so I wait for the time to be reunited with them, hopefully never to be parted from them after that. And who knows, maybe in heaven AMM and I can build sandcastles together as QMM frolicks in the waves.
