I Love You, AMM

Ahad's last birthday, his 12th birthday, November 2009

Today I woke up with AMM's name on my lips; memories of him overflowing my mind, cascading over me, soothing me and burning me at the same time. My heart felt as if it were about to burst with thoughts of him. I recalled the first time he said "I love you" to me. I mean, actually SAID it to me. You see, AMM had Aspergers Syndrome , as well as comprehension issues and was therefore unable to properly communicate as a child. He used to exhibit echolalia, which is repeating what one hears. So, if I said I love you to him, he would parrot it back to me. He never initiated it, for him it was something he was incapable of during that time of his life. Throughout his preschool years I would tell him "I love you" and he would repeat back "I love you", not really understanding the emotion behind it.

Ahad started going to a special school when he entered pre-k. They started working with him, and we tried to do our best at home. They would give us suggestions, things to do at home to help AMM so that he could overcome his challenges. I stopped my BSN studies and started learning about Aspergers. I picked his teachers' brains, read books, and went on the internet in my quest to help AMM. I tried to find him the tools, and AMM absorbed everything and worked hard at overcoming his obstacles.

Ahad entered kindergarten in the public school system. He was in a self-contained classroom. During the winter of that year, AMM and I were standing in the laundry room preparing to face the frigid weather outside. I was getting bundled up in my coat,scarf, and gloves. AMM was also getting ready...he had his coat, gloves, and hat on. However, he was looking for his scarf which was not to be found in the laundry room. He made a comment that he was going to be cold without his scarf (he used to bundle up very thoroughly before going out). I automatically took off my scarf and handed it to him. He took it in his gloved hands, looked at me and said with awe in his voice "you would let me wear it?". I answered "of course, you won't be cold now". He stared at me for a second, gripping the scarf in his hand, then suddenly wrapped his arms around my legs and said with emotion in his voice "I love you". I was amazed, I was floored, I was humbled, and I was proud of AMM. He had just TOLD me that he loved me, he didn't just parrot words back to me he had heard. AMM had just conquered one of the obstacles he used to face.

On that icy cold winter day, the sun came out from behind the clouds for me, with a promise of a rainbow. For AMM loved me, and he had told me.