A Letter to QMM

QMM requested to have his picture taken with the Gecko...and he was very proud of it!

Dearest QMM,

where to start from? I miss you both so terribly. QMM, I miss your wit, humor, sarcasm. I miss how we used to put our hands together, palm to palm, to see how much bigger your hand was than mine. How we would try to see who was stronger, and you always won. How you used to say "I have a 6 pack. Go on, touch my abs right here". Your running requests, and your reactions to us saying yes or no. I miss how I enjoyed watching you grow. How I used to call you my personal petri dish. How you used to stalk me and talk incessantly when I was mad at you. I miss your self confidence, your talents. I miss how you used to make me feel safe and protected. I miss your voice, your smile, your touch. I miss how you would prank call the unfortunate telemarketers that would call us. I miss how you would help me when there was something heavy to lift :"I'll do it Mom". I miss how you had a reply for everything. I miss hearing you complain about doing the chores. I miss seeing you enjoy the summer.

I miss your future. I miss what you were going to become. I miss you getting your driver's license, graduating from high school, getting accepted to college. I miss you getting your first job. I miss your life experiences. I miss your successes, failures. I miss you falling in love; I miss your heart being broken. I miss your wedding, I miss your wife. I miss your children.

I miss YOU.

Love always,

Mom

One Hundred Days

This picture was taken in January 2010 at a bat mitzvah

Dreams can be so cruel. I dreamt this morning that I had somewhere to go (to work or something) and I was worried the kids would be bored at home by themselves. In my dream, I thought I would ask their aunt, KS, to take them to her local pool for the day. A sense of satisfaction comes over me in the dream now that my problem is resolved. Suddenly, like an arrow piercing my neck, it hits me that my boys are dead...it doesn't matter anymore. I have lost my boys.

I woke up then as the alarm clock went off. My heart was racing, I was feeling as if each breath I took was a struggle, my stomach felt like it was on fire. And I just wanted to die. Just die. But now my motto is God's will, my desire.

I wondered why am I feeling so terrible today. And I remembered...today it is one hundred days since they died. One hundred days since my QMM died. One hundred days since my AMM died. One hundred days.

Your will, my desire

Dear Allah,
please help me. I don't know what to do. I feel myself entering the world of depression. I miss them so much. I know You have taken back what You had lent to me as a gift, and I thank You for that. But, You see, they were such great gifts that I miss them, there is a void now in my life. So if I cry for them, it is a tribute to You because You created such awesome gifts for me.
I used to pray for death until I recently found out that it is a sin to do so. I do apologize and hope that You forgive me since I committed this sin in ignorance. But when You think I am ready to be with the boys, please do take me. Whatever is Your will, is my desire. That has become my closing now for every prayer. Your will, my desire.
Abroo