Today was a difficult day. First day of school; a new year starting, new beginnings, new hopes. QMM would have been a sophomore, and AMM would have been a 7th grader. QMM used to so look forward to the first day of school. I saw pencils yesterday at Staples that AMM used to use. I don't have to buy them anymore, nobody to buy them for now.
Today I wanted to be dead. I just wanted to fold my cards and call it a day. I figured when I have to account to God why I committed suicide, I would justify it somehow. He would understand, wouldn't He?
And then, MAM's face loomed in front of me. What kind of message would I be sending her by committing suicide? That when things are beyond bad, bail out? What would stop her from then pursuing the same path? I don't want to fail her; by taking my life, I would be not only failing her, but deserting her too.
And so I linger here, counting my blessings, but waiting for eternity. With them.
