This IS Family...

I grew up not knowing a lot about the meaning of family. I was part of a "nuclear" family - parents, siblings, and myself. That was family to me. We really didn't have a close interpersonal relationship; that was just how it was for me.

So, I was very surprised (in fact, it was like a culture shock) when I married my husband (no, that isn't the culture shock part) and entered his world of family (enter culture shock here). Family for him did not mean his immediate family; it meant aunts, uncles, and THE COUSINS. For me, my extended family meant an occasional trip to Pakistan that involved a lot of blurry faces packed into a few weeks where half the time I was jet lagged. My husbands situation was actually the opposite of mine; his "nuclear" family was back in Pakistan, and his extended family was here. His extended family in the US was made up of The Cousins (insert dramatic music here please).

I started to understand the dynamics of this rare breed at this thing they called the Cousin Get Together (CGT). This strange phenomenon was when all the cousins would - yes, you got it - get together. It was a collection of first cousins in the U.S., all young couples, that would meet and bond for a weekend. I was pleasantly surprised (and in awe) of how close they all were and how welcoming they were towards me.

As the years went by, I took their presence as part of my life; I couldn't imagine them NOT being part of my existence. Years went by, we all started having babies. We would share pregnancy stories, baby stories, and discuss the most pressing issue of the moment ("should I introduce my baby to solids with pureed carrots or pureed plums?"). We would visit one another outside of the CGT.

As our children started growing up, we started forming bonds with them, and they with us. I used to tell my husband that I was so fortunate to have married him because of, well, his cousins. For now my children had something that I had lacked in my childhood...they had close bonds with their aunts, uncles, and THEIR cousins. They had a sense of belonging, a safe haven they could turn to. I remember how one time one of AMM's aunts went for a summer vacation. When she came back, we decided to go to her home and welcome her back. Imagine my surprise when AMM, who walked through her front door smiling, saw her, hugged her, sat down on her couch with a big sigh, and then proceeded to tell her every single injustice he felt he had incurred during her absence. It was then that I realized that AMM had his very own personal Dear Abby in the form of this aunt!

QMM loved his family too. He was especially close to a cousin of his in NY, MFA. They were both like peas in a pod...the male and female version of the same persona. She would sometimes come to stay with us, supposedly to hang out with my daughter. However, most of the time, it seemed like she was here to hang with QMM; they were glued at the hip. They were, I thought, the same personality with the same interests. 2 sides of the same coin, I used to think. For that matter, AMM also loved her very much. He used to use her as his personal sofa; where she would sit, he would come and sit ON TOP of her!

I always knew we were close and very fortunate to have such close ties, but I didn't realize how deep these ties ran till I lost my boys. When I got off the plane at JFK, I was expecting that I would be waiting to receive my sons' coffins with just my husband and daughter. But instead, they were ALL there. All of QMM and AMM's beloved aunts, uncles, and cousins were there to receive them for the last time. At times, I couldn't tell where my tears ended and theirs began. The same grief was pulsating through our veins, our bodies, reaching into the innermost recesses of our being as if we were one. It wasn't just BAM and I that had lost our sons, it wasn't just MAM that had lost her brothers; the cousins had lost their sons too, for the boys were their sons. MAM was not the only one who had lost her brothers; the younger generation of cousins had lost their brothers too.

How fortunate my boys are to have been loved so much. Thank-you Cousins, for having loved OUR sons .