A Head Start in Life

I always used to kid around that I had gotten a head start in life. I had always been the youngest in school (up to high school). I had graduated a year early since I had skipped a grade. I got engaged at the age of 17, married at the age of 18, pregnant at 19, had MAM at the age of 20, pregnant again at 21, had QMM at the age of 22. My 23rd year was a quiet year; pregnant again at the age of 24, and had AMM at the age of 25. We had gotten our first home when I was about 22.

Now I wonder...I buried my boys at the age of 37, which is early also. Maybe, just maybe, I will be lucky enough to die early too, and then I can be with them.

June 21st, 2010...The Longest Day of the Year

This picture is from the summer of 2009. The boys were sleeping in, and I was creeping on them (as QMM would have said).

Yesterday, we started looking at headstones for the boys. I was originally going to write about what we did, what we experienced as we went through yesterday, yet another trial in this nightmare. But why rehash it? Why go into detail of how the headstone seller was not seeing us as parents who have had both their arms cut off, but as dollar signs? For, in all fairness, that is his bread and butter. Our loss, his gain.

Why go into detail of how compassionate the cemetery man was? He was the one who told us we were being charged an exorbitant fee for the headstone. What good does it do to recount his comment "you both are young. You can have more children."? Why doesn't anyone understand that nobody can replace my QMM and AMM?

Yet, I still recount the events. I don't know why.

What emotions did I experience yesterday? I had that same feeling again, the one when this whole nightmare started. My mind kept on saying "this really CAN'T be happening to ME...this only happens in soap operas, in movies; surely, this is not happening to ME.". But is IS happening to me, it IS happening to BAM, it IS happening to MAM. And it DID happen to QMM and AMM - they lie under the ground, while we tread above the ground, waiting to join them.

What would QMM and AMM have said if I had told them on June 21, 2009 "boys, this is your last summer on this earth. Your father, sister, and I will be looking at headstones for your graves next year at this time".For that matter, what would I have said if somebody would have told me last year what I would be doing on June
21st, 2010...the longest day of the year????