Oh God, I am in a situation that I cannot improve. I can't research and buy products like I used to for helping AMM. I can't go back to school and study like I did when I hurt my back repeatedly. I can't switch from floor nursing to a supervisory role like I did when I hurt my hand. This is it, this is my life now.
They are both gone forever. This is it. I can't do anything to bring them back, to improve the situation. I accept this, but it hurts so much. This morning when I woke up all I could think of was AMM. How he would come early in the morning or late at night knocking on our bedroom door. He would be standing there, in his pj's, asking if he could come in and snuggle. I never said no. He was the best snuggler. He would come into our bed, cuddle up with me, and fall asleep (usually).
I pine for him. This feeling is so strong, so overwhelming. Just to have him again, back in my life. Just to be with him. Just to talk to him. Just to touch him. Just to hold him. Just to laugh with him. This sense of pining feels like a tsunami wave. It just hits me, rendering me incapable of escaping. It pushes me under, into the deep recesses of the wave. I don't know if I'm in the ocean or on land; all I know is that I am engulfed, swamped. Flailing in the abyss, that is how I pine for AMM. And AMM, you are nowhere to be found. Nowhere. I miss you.
