Today was a difficult day. First day of school; a new year starting, new beginnings, new hopes. QMM would have been a sophomore, and AMM would have been a 7th grader. QMM used to so look forward to the first day of school. I saw pencils yesterday at Staples that AMM used to use. I don't have to buy them anymore, nobody to buy them for now.
Today I wanted to be dead. I just wanted to fold my cards and call it a day. I figured when I have to account to God why I committed suicide, I would justify it somehow. He would understand, wouldn't He?
And then, MAM's face loomed in front of me. What kind of message would I be sending her by committing suicide? That when things are beyond bad, bail out? What would stop her from then pursuing the same path? I don't want to fail her; by taking my life, I would be not only failing her, but deserting her too.
And so I linger here, counting my blessings, but waiting for eternity. With them.
MAM is key for you; I've always thought so. Such a wonderous gift still here with you.
ReplyDeleteI cry for you on this first day.
I cry for you too. I have lost people and those little reminders, pencils...first days here or there, food, a container of milk, made me feel lower than the ground. In your case, I can understand your feelings of wanting to leave this painful world. You daughter needs you, and of course, no one on this Earth needs to spell that out for you, it may not feel like enough at the moment but in years to come, you will stop and know that you are doing the right thing though the most hardest in all things God has given us to deal with. If you need to curl up and "die" in a living way (if that makes sense) then do it, make a calm quiet place your own dying post until you don't need it anymore, like your TB bag. Each thing you pass through is a stepping stone to what I don't know, but in every thing I have dealt with, those stones are there to keep us out of the water so to speak. Sorry to ramble on, my heart and love is with you, as always, I think you always owned the friendship side of my heart but you are like spiritual family to me now. Even if I lost my two brothers, I would be the most fortunate girl to have you as my mother. For so many many reasons. I hope I didn't step out of line here, I wish I could bring them back for you, I would.
ReplyDeleteCheryl, not sure if we've met, but that was one excellent post. k
ReplyDeleteGuys, you are some of the people I thank God for being part of my life.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is, thank-you. I love you guys.