I think I have taken a significant step. On sunday, I decided something. Not because I should, but because I WANT to. Big difference between the two, you know? People have been telling me I should live for my daughter, for my husband. And every time they said it, it used to kind of, well, slide off my back, puddling at my feet. It would have no impact on me. I would sidestep this offered puddle of hope, and wallow in my loss instead.But something happened sunday. I don't know why, but I decided I WANT to live. I WANT to be here for my daughter, help her through her ups and downs in life, for she no longer has two brothers to help her. I WANT to be here for my husband, for what we have between us is something very special. I still WANT to be with my sons, but I can't get this time back with MAM and BAM. I should enjoy my time with my family, my co-workers (who I have become very dependent on), my friends, and my patients. I will eventually die, I will eventually be with them.
Will this feeling last? I don't know....but at least I have felt this feeling, this surge of desire, for the first time. Even though part of me feels as if I am betraying AMM and QMM by wanting to live, at the same time I just know they want me to live, and not to feel guilty. The pain is still there, but I think I am learning to live with the pain. Today, when I told BAM this turning point in my grief journey, he said that he thought AMM would be happy with my choice. The next thing I knew, I was crying, and he was holding me, crying also.
But, still, this indeeed, is a turning point.
Thanks to all of you, for not giving up on me.
So VERY happy for you! I recognize this feeling. Don't be surprised if it doesn't last, but it is so significant. Having felt it once, it will return.
ReplyDeleteMy own turning point came when I recognized the gift my dear sister left in my care (her children) as truly a magnificent gift, not a burden in any way. The feeling ebbed and flowed, but has grown over time.
Nan, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I was thinking to myself this feeling may come and go, but at least I have finally felt this feeling. If you don't mind me asking, about how long after M. moved on did you get this feeling?
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I really admire you and M's family. You guys are a real inspiration. M must be so proud of all of you guys...she is blessed, as is her family, to have family like you.
I feel so insignificant in this company--two women who I so admire and love. Just a whisper then...I am here, in tears, but here.
ReplyDeleteI will never leave your side or give up. My heart is overwhelmed with that sliver of joy we get when we know that someone in pain feels that first very complicated step towards hope. God bless you, my friend, we all love you (you are sort of stuck with us!) Cheryl
ReplyDeleteHow long? I can't say. Months? The chaos that was that time all blurs together. (It will be two years for us in three weeks.) But I do know something specific happened: a friend sent me a little plaster angel through the mail, and wrote on her card not of tragedy or loss, but of the precious gift I had been given. That triggered for me a change in my thinking, and changing my thinking eventually led to a change in my feelings. I sense something similar in you - your thoughts changed, the words you use to express yourself changed ("lucky" vs "unlucky") and so your feelings begin to change.
ReplyDeleteAbout the time - there were feelings recently that were as bad as anything, but they come less often and don't last as long as they used to. But her presence, that is with me all the time, and it helps.
Hi my dear friend, I keep in touch with you through your words. Helps to know that your ok and that little by little you are finding a way to live, for you and your daughter and husband. I went to visit the boys the other day and the kids brought them some mums for the fall. It was the first time I had taken them and it seemed like a good opportunity to have them keep in touch with their friend. You and your family are always in our hearts and thoughts and I don't know how long it will be or take but I know that GOD is with you. Your have a beautiful heart and a strong will to move on.....
ReplyDeleteTanya I was wondering who brought those beautiful mums. My boys are so lucky to have so much love in this world even though they are in another realm. I was watching some of the videos your daughter and AMM used to make. How I wish I was back in those days, driving them back from school.
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