Hope

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Dear God...a miracle, please?

So yesterday I had a meltdown. Major, hysterical, soul-draining meltdown. Afterwards, I said to BAM something that I had been thinking about for a while. I may sound a bit batty when you hear what I said, but just read the next few points before I tell you my conversation with BAM.

Point one: God can perform miracles. Only He is the one who can do ANYTHING...He created this world, the millions of cells in our bodies. He created this whole universe. What seems impossible to us, is something He could do without a second thought.

Point two: God (in our belief at least) tells us to ask, and He will listen. He will answer our prayers.

So I told BAM I want to ask God to bring back my boys. I want to ask for two miracles. BAM, being the supportive guy that he is, said that God can do anything and that I should ask what I want to ask for. And so I decided I am going to ask God for this miracle. I won't ask for explanations...how did He bring them back to life? I would accept my boys back, no questions asked.

And so I got ready for praying. I did the necessary ablutions, opened up the prayer rug, and did our ritual prayer. At the end, I sat on the prayer rug, ready to ask God for the return of my boys.

I couldn't do it. For, I realized suddenly, how selfish I was being. They are at peace there, they are happy, so why should I beg for their return when God has them? I can never take care of them the way He does. However much it kills me to realize this fact, it is a true fact.

And so, instead of asking God to return my sons to me, I asked Him to please tell them both that their mother loves them.

Every day I will ask God to pass this message on to them, till I am with them and can tell them myself.

Dear QMM and AMM,

yesterday your dad said we are the unluckiest people in the world. Are we? I don't know.

I had the funnest, and at times challenging, times with you QMM. You brought excitement into my life. I was so proud of you. I used to worry that something bad would happen to you, for you seemed to be pretty close to perfection...charm, looks, smarts. I was always on my toes with you around...what would you be up to next? How you used to make me laugh. I was fortunate to have had that excitement in my life for 15 years.

And AMM, you gave me love to last a lifetime. I understood you, and you understood me. You loved me so much. Your daily hugs, your daily kisses. Your warm snuggles. Your back massages you used to give me. The laughter. The pride I felt in your accomplishments. I am so fortunate to have had that love for 12 years in my life.

So, no, I am not the unluckiest person in the world. I vehemently protest that statement. I am the LUCKIEST person in the world to have had you both for my sons. I am the luckiest person to have MAM as my daughter. I am the luckiest person to have BAM as my husband. I am the luckiest person, for I have you guys waiting for me when I get to the other side.

Love always,

Mom

6 months of hell

6 months of hell.

6 months of not seeing you...except when I look at your photographs.

6 months of not talking to you...except for in my dreams.

6 months of not hearing you...except for when I call your cell phone and hear your voice on the answering machine.

6 months of not hugging you.

6 months of not feeling you next to me.

6 months of pure hell. There is no respite from it. Even in my dreams, I am searching for you.

HOW MUCH LONGER????????

Eternity

Today was a difficult day. First day of school; a new year starting, new beginnings, new hopes. QMM would have been a sophomore, and AMM would have been a 7th grader. QMM used to so look forward to the first day of school. I saw pencils yesterday at Staples that AMM used to use. I don't have to buy them anymore, nobody to buy them for now.

Today I wanted to be dead. I just wanted to fold my cards and call it a day. I figured when I have to account to God why I committed suicide, I would justify it somehow. He would understand, wouldn't He?

And then, MAM's face loomed in front of me. What kind of message would I be sending her by committing suicide? That when things are beyond bad, bail out? What would stop her from then pursuing the same path? I don't want to fail her; by taking my life, I would be not only failing her, but deserting her too.

And so I linger here, counting my blessings, but waiting for eternity. With them.

A letter to the boys

Dear QMM, and AMM,

why did you, especially you, AMM, leave me behind???? What am I supposed to do now????

AMM, the sun used to rise and set for me with your smiles. I feel lost, alone without you. The world seems so large, so empty, so joyless without you. I miss you so.

QMM, sometimes I find I cannot even think about you...it just hurts too much. You were my shining star. My world is dark without you. I miss you so.

Love always,

Mom

Labor Day

Today was my first Labor Day without you; I wish it were my last...

A question for God

Dear God,

WHY?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????