Farewell TB

So, I think I have reached another milestone in my journey to come to terms with what fate has dealt us. Just to recap, so far my accomplishments include:

• a major meltdown just once a week now;


• going back to the gym (QMM's hangout area).

And now...I no longer depend on my Therapy Bag. TB, as I affectionately called it in my mind; yes, I know, that sounds kind of gross. That's why I never said to anyone "hey, I'm coming over and I'm carrying TB with me". I mean, really, how wrong does that sound?

TB was very important to me. It was a bright pink, obscenely oversized carrying bag. In it, I had crammed items that I felt helped me and without which I could not survive. It contained numerous, totally unrelated items. TB carried a crochet hook and afghan I was working on, a needlepoint kit, a book to read, a copy of the Quran, a drawing pad with a set of drawing pencils, a journal, and my laptop. That's all!

I lugged TB around wherever I went. I would start panicking just thinking about stepping out of the house without my precious TB (and yes, I know that still sounds gross). Wherever I went, so did my TB. Wherever TB was , that's where I was.

The items in there were at my disposal to help me focus, I guess, on something other than the reality I wanted to escape from. Anything to get my thoughts away from my living nightmare.

I don't know when, but I no longer rely on TB anymore. I don't even recall when I stopped depending on TB and the items it contained. But TB helped me at a time when I needed it the most. This big, bulky, bright pink bag was my best friend in the worst situation.

Thanks TB. I hope I never need you again.

A Mother's Prayer

Dear QMM,

there is nothing much I can do for you now; all I can do is pray for you now. I always include in my prayers a request to God that He transfer any of your sins and transgressions onto my soul. Let me be accountabe for them. I want your soul to be free, pure, and unecumbered. May you soar in the sky and beyond, as high as your heart desires. May you shine brighter than any star in the infinite universe. May you be as peaceful as a new moon in a cloudless, silent night. May you feel as much joy as when I first held you in my arms. May your eternal life be better than the life you had with us in this mortal world.

I love you.

Just a Poem

My sons, I hope you know how much I love you.

My life is so painfully empty now without you.

No more monopoly games that include you.

No more vacation trips with the both of you.

Sorrow fills every pore of my being.

What is it that I'm supposed to be doing?

I miss the way I would tickle you.

I miss the way I would endlessly tease you.

Life is now so unbearable without you.

I keep on thinking, what to do without you?

Sorrow fills every pore of my being.

What is it that I'm supposeed to be doing?

AMM and His Early Social Skills

So, today I was remembering some of my AMM's antics when he was much younger. I'm talking about before his preschool days. I always thought at that point of his life he was different. Being ignorant of developmental delay warning signs, I chalked up his being "different" to being pampered since he was the youngest, as well as having asthma. Now I know it was part of his Aspergers.

I was remembering (and yes, chuckling) when we went to the neighbors house. Her big golden retriever came lopping up to us and licked AMM's face. AMM responded by licking him back on his nose. My neighbor was aghast, "No, don't do that!" she said, as I held him back from the dog before he started further licking exchanges. Actually, as I recall, the dog even seemed taken aback!

At that time of his life we would watch Blue's Clues, a show about a dog named Blue (and of course, he was the color blue) along with his owner, whose name I can't recall. One day, Blue was licking his owner's face. AMM must have thought that was appropriate behavior, so turned to me and started licking my face! No, I told him, dogs do that, not humans! He got the message...as far as I know!

And finally, I was remembering how, after watching a show with cows grazing in the field, he proceeded to the front lawn, got down on all fours...and then started to "graze" on a dandelion. In other words, eating it. Guess what my reaction was ???? "No, AMM, people do not do that. Animals do that." Again, as far as I know, he got the message!

I was and am so lucky to have had such a great son. He overcame so many obstacles in his short life, left a legacy of his artwork for us, memories filled with laughter and love. He gave me so much love, made me feel so special. Even though I ache to have him back, I also realize it was an honor to have been his mother. Thank-you God, and thank-you AMM. You were, and are, the best.

A Dream

The past few months I have been having dreams, I know I have them, but I can't recall them. I wake up feeling that the boys were in them, it's just a sense that I have. Last week I woke up feeling that I had seen the boys in my dream, but could not remember ANYTHING about the dream. How frustrating.
Last night I had another such dream. But this time I remember a smidge of it. The boys were there, visiting us. I don't remember the details, I do know that I am forgetting a lot of this precious dream. But I do remember my AMM...he was constantly hugging me throughout the dream. And my QMM...he was hanging with myself, MAM, and BAM. They were there, they said, to celebrate QMM's 16th birthday with us. For those of you that don't know, his 16th birthday was to be December 15th of this year.
At the end of this dream, the two of them climb a staircase and say that it is time for them to leave,"we came to celebrate Q's 16th birthday with you". I woke up, feeling a warm feeling, as if I had been hugging AMM. I feel they visited me last night.
But I was perplexed. Why did they focus so much on QMM's 16th birthday? I was discussing it with my friend at work. She is my personal dream interpreter (but she doesn't know it!). And what she said made perfect sense to me. QMM wants us to celebrate his 16th birthday when it comes around. As soon as she said that, it all made perfect sense to me. And that is so QMM, isn't it?
Okay QMM, we will celebrate your birthday, and I know you both will be there with us.
Thank-you boys, thank-you.

A Brief Note

I feel so drained. So drained without you both. Today as I was driving to work I was remembering how you , QMM, as a baby would be in your crib. In the morning, when I would come into your room, you would almost always be up already. You would be standing on those pudgy legs, looking at the door expectantly, waiting for someone to come in. As soon as you'd see me, you would break out into a big smile and start bouncing up and down. Remember how I used to tease you that when you would get married I was going to make a slide show of your baby pictures, with the pudgy thighs?
And AMM, today I realized I don't think you were meant to make it to adulthood. You were too innocent for this corrupt and often cruel world. It was just not meant to be. But why couldn't we have left together? Why did you leave me behind?
I can't write anymore today. It's unbearable without you both.

God Surround Me

I want to die, it's not a lie.

What a coward I am, for I will be damned.

God surround me with your grace,

So I do not make a fatal mistake.

Thoughts creep into my once happy mind.

But I push them away, or else my goal I will not find.

Till I Get To You

This pain, this pain for you,

It's driving me insane.

I look everywhere for you,

But totally in vain.

I try to live this life,

Something I feel I cannot do.

It's just an existence now,

Till I get to you.

This Is It

Oh God, I am in a situation that I cannot improve. I can't research and buy products like I used to for helping AMM. I can't go back to school and study like I did when I hurt my back repeatedly. I can't switch from floor nursing to a supervisory role like I did when I hurt my hand. This is it, this is my life now.

They are both gone forever. This is it. I can't do anything to bring them back, to improve the situation. I accept this, but it hurts so much. This morning when I woke up all I could think of was AMM. How he would come early in the morning or late at night knocking on our bedroom door. He would be standing there, in his pj's, asking if he could come in and snuggle. I never said no. He was the best snuggler. He would come into our bed, cuddle up with me, and fall asleep (usually).

I pine for him. This feeling is so strong, so overwhelming. Just to have him again, back in my life. Just to be with him. Just to talk to him. Just to touch him. Just to hold him. Just to laugh with him. This sense of pining feels like a tsunami wave. It just hits me, rendering me incapable of escaping. It pushes me under, into the deep recesses of the wave. I don't know if I'm in the ocean or on land; all I know is that I am engulfed, swamped. Flailing in the abyss, that is how I pine for AMM. And AMM, you are nowhere to be found. Nowhere. I miss you.

Back to the Beach

Today, BMM, MAM, KA (my sister), and I went to the beach. The beach that I used to take all the kids to when they were younger. They had so much fun there. We would sometimes meet up with cousins (in fact, it was KS...one of the infamous cousins) who introduced us to that particular beach. We also went there with a neighbor and her kids many times. MAM and QMM would be in the water together facing the waves. AMM was more like me, cautious. The first few years of his life he was in fact scared to be even touched by the water. As he overcame his phobia of water (bath time used to be torture also in his younger years), he started to be near the water, though not in it. For me, though, that wa a victory in itself. The last few years he actually went in more than he had ever done in years past. I was so proud of his achievements! How far he had come!

I remembered how we would spend the whole day at this particular beach, how AMM would be making his sand castles as MAM and QMM would be in the water with their cousins or neighbors. What great memories! I remember how I told AMM that he could pee in the ocean (yes, I am one of those mothers) and his look of bewilderment mixed with horror. I convinced him that everyone does it. So the poor kid stood there in the water, and was about to pull his trunks down. I told him not to pull the trunks down, to which he replied in a pleading tone "can I have some toilet paper then please?". His expression was priceless!

Today, QMM and AMM were not there. MAM had nobody to go in the water with her for QMM is no longer with us. There was nobody to build sandcastles or bury in the sand, for AMM is no longer with us. The ocean waves were there, the same blue sky with the picturesque clouds were there, but my two dear sons were nowhere to be seen.

It felt very strange, and I felt empty. As if there was a hole in the center of my body, a big, gaping hole. It is ever present and seems as if it will consume all of my being. It's as if I have eyes, but can't see. I have feet, but have no destination to walk to. I have ears, but cannot hear.

Broken, I feel irrepairably broken.

It was a gift to have had QMM for 15 years in my life, a gift to have had AMM in my life for 12 years. I wish I could have had them longer, but it was not God's will. And so I wait for the time to be reunited with them, hopefully never to be parted from them after that. And who knows, maybe in heaven AMM and I can build sandcastles together as QMM frolicks in the waves.

Baby Steps

I took a baby step on Thursday. I went to the WOW gym, the local gym that BAM, MAM, QMM, and I used to frequent. After coming back from Pakistan, BAM and I had our memberships frozen. I couldn't even bear the thought of going to the gym where QMM used to love to hang out. He was friends with the trainers there; he was all over the gym...on the basketball court, on the treadmills, on the weight machines, on the push up bar.

I think in April or May I told BAM I wanted to get my membership reactivated. We drove to the gym, the three of us. I chickened out and sat in the car with MAM while BAM went in alone to reactivate both of our accounts. After he was done, he came out from the gym. Instead of coming to the car, he leaned against the wall of the gym and started crying uncontrollably.

I never did go to the gym...just couldn't. Even the parking lot was difficult; seeing spots where QMM used to wait for me to pick him up; seeing the area where I used to drop him off.

Until Thursday. I guess some thoughts had been fermenting in my mind over the past week. I saw patients who had diabetes, were wheelchair bound, who had suffered from strokes and were impaired as a result. And during the week, I started to think. God gave me this body. It is a gift, this life. Regardless, of my loss, this life and everything in it is a gift. I MUST appreciate it like I used to appreciate everything before March 29th. And I don't want to be part of a life where, due to my neglect, I am physically weak or dependent on others. Why spurn God's gift, and then get punished from Him? And what would QMM think?

And so Thursday, I came home from work, changed, and drove to the gym. As I drove to the gym, I could feel my heart racing, I had severe heartburn, I couldn't breathe right, and I felt my anxiety level hitting panic level. Come to think of it, it was a panic attack. I drove into that parking lot, where images of QMM appeared before my eyes. I parked the car, and thought, can I do this? Can I? And then I thought, I WILL do it. I got out of that car, and then walked into the gym. Into the gym that my QMM loved going to. I saw him everywhere I looked. But I was going to do my best, if not for myself, then in honor of QMM's memory.

I went on an elliptical machine, and watched Friends while exercising. I kept on glancing at spots I used to glance at before in the gym, and see QMM doing his thing. But he wasn't there. I was there, the gym was there, the people were there, but my QMM was not there.

Yet I did it...I completed my workout and then went to the sauna. The sauna. There too, his memories haunted me. There are separate saunas for males and females. They share the same wall, so QMM and I used to talk (loudly!) through the walls sometimes or knock on the mutual wall. The sauna was empty, I felt empty. But I did it.

As I walked out of the locker area, there was no QMM waiting for me. Nor did I have to wait for him to finish up his workout.

By the time I left the gym, I no longer had a racing heart, I no longer felt short of breath, but the heartburn pursued. But that's okay. I went to our gym, I went Friday, and I went today. Baby steps. I hope you're proud of me, QAM.

The Ceiling Fan

A beautiful ceiling fan was put up in a room.

Bright, shiny, and new, it thought it had a lot to do.

But the room wasn't used much, and much to its gloom,

The fan wasn't used as such, it didn't have anything to do.

And so it hung there, in that darkened room.

Till, suddenly, one day, the room started to be used.

Voices, joy, and laughter filled the once quiet room.

The fan was so happy; it started to be used.

The fan looked down and saw who was in the room.

Two young boys, it seemed, who had brought life to the room.

The fan was so happy, it had so much to do.

The fan continued rotating, rotating to cool the room.

Suddenly, one day, chaos seemed to ensue.

The fan looked down, as below, the boys refused to move.

No longer were they breathing, no longer did they move.

The fan kept on rotating...what else could it do?

The lifeless forms were taken out, never to return.

The fan was no longer needed, again nothing to do.

The lights were turned out, the fan stood still, again in the gloom.

In the darkness it wondered why they had to leave so soon.

A Letter to QMM

QMM requested to have his picture taken with the Gecko...and he was very proud of it!

Dearest QMM,

where to start from? I miss you both so terribly. QMM, I miss your wit, humor, sarcasm. I miss how we used to put our hands together, palm to palm, to see how much bigger your hand was than mine. How we would try to see who was stronger, and you always won. How you used to say "I have a 6 pack. Go on, touch my abs right here". Your running requests, and your reactions to us saying yes or no. I miss how I enjoyed watching you grow. How I used to call you my personal petri dish. How you used to stalk me and talk incessantly when I was mad at you. I miss your self confidence, your talents. I miss how you used to make me feel safe and protected. I miss your voice, your smile, your touch. I miss how you would prank call the unfortunate telemarketers that would call us. I miss how you would help me when there was something heavy to lift :"I'll do it Mom". I miss how you had a reply for everything. I miss hearing you complain about doing the chores. I miss seeing you enjoy the summer.

I miss your future. I miss what you were going to become. I miss you getting your driver's license, graduating from high school, getting accepted to college. I miss you getting your first job. I miss your life experiences. I miss your successes, failures. I miss you falling in love; I miss your heart being broken. I miss your wedding, I miss your wife. I miss your children.

I miss YOU.

Love always,

Mom

One Hundred Days

This picture was taken in January 2010 at a bat mitzvah

Dreams can be so cruel. I dreamt this morning that I had somewhere to go (to work or something) and I was worried the kids would be bored at home by themselves. In my dream, I thought I would ask their aunt, KS, to take them to her local pool for the day. A sense of satisfaction comes over me in the dream now that my problem is resolved. Suddenly, like an arrow piercing my neck, it hits me that my boys are dead...it doesn't matter anymore. I have lost my boys.

I woke up then as the alarm clock went off. My heart was racing, I was feeling as if each breath I took was a struggle, my stomach felt like it was on fire. And I just wanted to die. Just die. But now my motto is God's will, my desire.

I wondered why am I feeling so terrible today. And I remembered...today it is one hundred days since they died. One hundred days since my QMM died. One hundred days since my AMM died. One hundred days.

Your will, my desire

Dear Allah,
please help me. I don't know what to do. I feel myself entering the world of depression. I miss them so much. I know You have taken back what You had lent to me as a gift, and I thank You for that. But, You see, they were such great gifts that I miss them, there is a void now in my life. So if I cry for them, it is a tribute to You because You created such awesome gifts for me.
I used to pray for death until I recently found out that it is a sin to do so. I do apologize and hope that You forgive me since I committed this sin in ignorance. But when You think I am ready to be with the boys, please do take me. Whatever is Your will, is my desire. That has become my closing now for every prayer. Your will, my desire.
Abroo

Pinch punch, first day of the month.

When I was a kid growing up in London, my friends and I used to do a little ritual on the first of the month. "Pinch punch, first day of the month, no return." The goal was to - yes, you got it - pinch and punch someone (gently) on the first of the month. By saying "no return", we confirmed that the recipient of the pinch punch could not retaliate.

I continued this fun (and yes, I know, lame) tradition with my children. The one who enjoyed it the most was AMM. It was his mission to get all of us before we got to him. He would start anticipating it a couple of days beforehand. He was very proud that he had gotten me twelve months in a row (one of his bragging points).

The last few months of his life the first of the month had been tough, for QMM had gotten him first! And being bigger, QMM's pinches and punches were harder. How upset AMM was!

But it was so much fun for AMM and I. He would try to get me while evading my movements to get him, and I would try to evade him while he was trying to get me. He usually won.

Since the boys have left, I have been in a kind of haze, trying to get from one moment to the next without having a total breakdown. As a result, I did not even realize when the first of April, May, June came and went without our silly ritual. But July 1st I did remember. And my heart broke all over again. My pinch punch partner is gone. No more "pinch punch, first day of the month, no return". No more laughter. No more private jokes. No more of that unique bond AMM and I shared. No more.

Please...

Is there any way you can come back to me?

If there is, please do it, please.

I don't know if you can see,

My life without you is pure agony.