As I Walk Around the Quiet House

Walking around the house right now.

Seeing the things you left behind.

It seems as if slowly, I'm going out of my mind.

Maybe it would be a blessing, if I totally lost my mind.

It would definitely be a blessing, to forever close my eyes.

I so want to...but won't

I so want to post a major, major "bitch post". Apparently, I must be becoming bitchier since I am having such feelings. But I won't, because it will just cause a lot of drama.
So let me try to say it in a nice way. Please do not tell me my sons came to you in your dream, or have others convey it to me. You never even spoke to them for God's sake, in fact you made it a point to ignore them when they were alive. I hated it when they would ask me why you didn't like them. Hated it, because they did not deserve to be treated like that. They were ignored for 15 years and 12 years by you.  Now you visit them....in their fucking graves. All it took for you to acknowledge them was for them to die. Wow.
So, please, I don't want to hear about your dreams, or whatever.
Looks like my "in a nice way" communication is still a bitch post.

So, today was a big step for me. We had family coming over. Since the boys have moved (that's how I refer to it now), I haven't really done anything. Meaning, whenever company came over, my poor husband would do all the cooking, the preparation...I would just retreat into a shell, preparing myself for what seemed the formidable task of meeting someone. Sounds silly, doesn't it? Even as I write it, it seems like I am listening go the words of a madwoman, and then I realize that madwoman is me.

Anyway, today I actually made some things. I made a spinach dip, a flan (so what if I burned it, it's the thought that counts, right? ;) ). I made a cake, and brought hummus. I took out dishes that had gathered dust on them from lack of use. It felt good doing it actually. I felt ready to do it.

I didn't realize what a big step I had taken today. After our company left, my husband said to me "you're starting to come back. And you came back with a bang today". Say what Spongebob, was my reaction. "this is the first time you made an effort to do something when someone was coming over, and it was good to see ."

You know, it was good to feel too.

For Your Information...

Hello,

I just wanted to share with you that I have created two new blogs. One is for QMM...it is qasimmuzaffar.blogspot.com; AMM's site is ahadmuzaffar.blogspot.com .

I hope you enjoy them.

ANM