I know you mean well...but, how dare you?

I know you mean well when you say to have another baby. But really, how dare you???

Do you mean to say that my QMM and AMM are so easily replaceable? Yes, I understand that another child would bring his or her own joys, but that void left by QMM and AMM is IRREPLACEABLE. My boys are IRREPLACEABLE. Get it???

Don't try to tell me that I am wrong. When you say to have another baby, I find it insulting to the memory of my sons. How dare you. How dare you insult my sons like that. How dare you insult their memory like that. How fucking dare you.

Just stop. STOP.

I Will Not Let This Define Me.

I will not let this define me. I do not want to be known as the woman who lost her two sons. Yes, I am that person, but that is part of my whole being.

I am a person in my own right. I have achieved a lot in my life. My biggest achievements are my children. My three children. My daughter and my two sons. But I have achieved more. I work, have studied hard to get where I am, and love what I do.

I am a wife. To a guy that probably, no definitely, could have married a better person. He could have had a beautiful stunner of a wife. Someone who could cook up a storm in 10 minutes. I really lucked out when I married him.

I will NOT let this define me. Yes, this has changed me forever, but there is more to me.I will NOT LET THIS DEFINE ME.

Mudslide

I don't know why, but I feel as if I have been hit by a mudslide. I thought I was doing pretty good, in fact on Sunday I was on a high because I had felt QMM's presence. And, out of nowhere, I started slipping. As I was walking on a path that I thought would be twisted, but tolerable, I lost my footing along the way. And I slipped. I tried, to get up, but then the mudslide overcame me. It fell over me, and panic set in.
I just want to die. Die. It would free me. From agony. From the sensation of not being able to breathe. There are so many people who want to live. Parents who have cancer, and have yet to see their children grow up. Children with life threatening diseases, who have yet to experience life. Let them live, let me go. Please release me. Let me be with them. This is intolerable.
QMM, AMM, please. I am drowning and I don't care anymore.

A Turning Point

I think I have taken a significant step. On sunday, I decided something. Not because I should, but because I WANT to. Big difference between the two, you know? People have been telling me I should live for my daughter, for my husband. And every time they said it, it used to kind of, well, slide off my back, puddling at my feet. It would have no impact on me. I would sidestep this offered puddle of hope, and wallow in my loss instead.

But something happened sunday. I don't know why, but I decided I WANT to live. I WANT to be here for my daughter, help her through her ups and downs in life, for she no longer has two brothers to help her. I WANT to be here for my husband, for what we have between us is something very special. I still WANT to be with my sons, but I can't get this time back with MAM and BAM. I should enjoy my time with my family, my co-workers (who I have become very dependent on), my friends, and my patients. I will eventually die, I will eventually be with them.

Will this feeling last? I don't know....but at least I have felt this feeling, this surge of desire, for the first time. Even though part of me feels as if I am betraying AMM and QMM by wanting to live, at the same time I just know they want me to live, and not to feel guilty. The pain is still there, but I think I am learning to live with the pain. Today, when I told BAM this turning point in my grief journey, he said that he thought AMM would be happy with my choice. The next thing I knew, I was crying, and he was holding me, crying also.

But, still, this indeeed, is a turning point.

Thanks to all of you, for not giving up on me.

A Beautiful Fall Day

Dear AMM,

today I went outside. A beautiful, crisp fall day...a perfect saturday . Except, that I missed you both. What's new, right? Do you think I'm a pathetic loser for repeating myself, saying the same stuff? Do you cringe when I sit at your grave and cry for both of you? I try to be brave, I try to LIVE, but the pain is still there. Whoever said time heals all wounds, well, they lied. Time covers pain, just as dust collects on the desk in your room. But as soon as you blow away the dust, the desk is still there. Just as is the pain, the agony.

Today, when I was outside, I kept on thinking how today was the perfect day for a hayride for you and I. Remember last year when we went on the haunted hayride??? That was so much fun. Today we could have picked some pumpkins up, you could have decorated the house for Halloween as you used to. And I would have asked you to make those delicious, melt in my mouth cookies you used to whip up. We could have then snuggled in front of the fireplace, watching a movie.

What have you been doing lately? Anything exciting? Have you met any of the

famous artists? Hey, how about Lucille Ball? That would be so cool.

Well, tell QMM I said hi....I love you guys.

Love always,

Mom