Dearest Qasim and Ahad....

I miss you both so much. I am trying so hard to move on, I really am. But it's so hard. And I get mad at myself; for God's sake, it's over 2 years, and I still can't get over this. I still act like it was yesterday. But in my mind, it feels like it all happened yesterday, but it feels like a million years since I spoke to you, or saw you, or touched you.

It's spring here. Looking at the greenery reminds me of that day. When I walked into that hospital ER, and saw you both lying on the gurney, with the white sheet covering you both as you lay side by side. And there was that window right behind you, and I could see green plants right outside the window. It was as if that greenery was mocking me that it was growing and thriving, and you were no longer doing the same.

I miss you both so terribly.

Love,
Mom

Howl My Pain

Dear God,

I want to howl my pain out to You,
Carry my voice beyond the universe to You.
Echo back to me What You will,
May peace finally find me if You will.

Darkness permeates my every core,
My eyes are tired and are so sore.
I cannot understand why they are no more,
I am lost, please find me, there is no joy anymore.

This is wrong.

I know it's a year and that both of you have moved on.
I am so glad for you, and I try to plough on.

But now I find I wander the house at night.
I'm trying to find you, but you are nowhere in sight.

I try to find the positives in life like before;
But right now all I feel is the absence of what was before.

I come home from work, and am surprised not to find you.
I see a boy jogging, and I'm surprised he is not you.

Nightmares engulf me during my sleep.
But now, during the daytime, I find I am steeped in one too deep.

Why is there nobody watching TV?
Why is there nobody raiding the fridge?
Why is there nobody telling me he has no clothes?
Why is there nobody telling me he needs to draw?

My mind knows that you are both forever gone;
But it is the rest of me that shrieks "this is wrong".

As I Walk Around the Quiet House

Walking around the house right now.

Seeing the things you left behind.

It seems as if slowly, I'm going out of my mind.

Maybe it would be a blessing, if I totally lost my mind.

It would definitely be a blessing, to forever close my eyes.

I so want to...but won't

I so want to post a major, major "bitch post". Apparently, I must be becoming bitchier since I am having such feelings. But I won't, because it will just cause a lot of drama.
So let me try to say it in a nice way. Please do not tell me my sons came to you in your dream, or have others convey it to me. You never even spoke to them for God's sake, in fact you made it a point to ignore them when they were alive. I hated it when they would ask me why you didn't like them. Hated it, because they did not deserve to be treated like that. They were ignored for 15 years and 12 years by you.  Now you visit them....in their fucking graves. All it took for you to acknowledge them was for them to die. Wow.
So, please, I don't want to hear about your dreams, or whatever.
Looks like my "in a nice way" communication is still a bitch post.

So, today was a big step for me. We had family coming over. Since the boys have moved (that's how I refer to it now), I haven't really done anything. Meaning, whenever company came over, my poor husband would do all the cooking, the preparation...I would just retreat into a shell, preparing myself for what seemed the formidable task of meeting someone. Sounds silly, doesn't it? Even as I write it, it seems like I am listening go the words of a madwoman, and then I realize that madwoman is me.

Anyway, today I actually made some things. I made a spinach dip, a flan (so what if I burned it, it's the thought that counts, right? ;) ). I made a cake, and brought hummus. I took out dishes that had gathered dust on them from lack of use. It felt good doing it actually. I felt ready to do it.

I didn't realize what a big step I had taken today. After our company left, my husband said to me "you're starting to come back. And you came back with a bang today". Say what Spongebob, was my reaction. "this is the first time you made an effort to do something when someone was coming over, and it was good to see ."

You know, it was good to feel too.