Is this PTSD....images are flashing into my mind. Of the steps I took to enter the place where they moved their bodies to for preparation. The garish lights of Lahore, mocking me as I climbed those concrete steps, to enter the building where my two boys were in some freezer somewhere.
Is this PTSD...I see QMM's eyes...fully dilated, not responding to light or stimuli. Not responding to my screams, my compressions, my breath.
I can't block these thoughts...I don't want to block them...I want to block them.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Honey, I think it might be. I'm no expert, but I've written a little about PTSD. What you went through was so traumatic that it would be almost surprising if you didn't experience this syndrome to some degree.
ReplyDeleteOur minds and our hearts go to those places because they are deep cuts of memory, only to be dealt with. How you deal with them? I have no idea, but I think allowing yourself to go through the mental images one by one may calm down the spontaneous images/memories that shock you. Desensitizing yourself, if you ever can, your shock is of a magnitude off the charts, to the central core of your pain, may decrease the anxiety perhaps, it's a very long process. You have suffered the greatest trauma known to humanity, keep writing, keep talking to them, keep praying, keep doing whatever it is you do to allow you to take that next breath to go on in this very difficult world. If those images come, know that each one, though filled with pain, was you given your life, your breath, your entire soul to fighting with what was to be, and when you do that, you have done all in life. That is where PTSD comes in, it's the aftermath. If that makes any sense to you, Abroo, I never want to assume or be presumptuous, all I want is to give you some thoughts, some love and friendship. Maybe it's just words I would want to hear, I don't know. What I do know is, as I live with someone who has lost and has PTSD, though it lessens with much much much time, there is the sound barrier that one must cross to feel okay and to allow themselves to feel "alive" again, you may be far from that point, but know that there is hope. We can't live without hope. Love you xo
ReplyDeleteWonderful advice and words, Cheryl.
ReplyDelete