Dearest Qasim and Ahad....

I miss you both so much. I am trying so hard to move on, I really am. But it's so hard. And I get mad at myself; for God's sake, it's over 2 years, and I still can't get over this. I still act like it was yesterday. But in my mind, it feels like it all happened yesterday, but it feels like a million years since I spoke to you, or saw you, or touched you.

It's spring here. Looking at the greenery reminds me of that day. When I walked into that hospital ER, and saw you both lying on the gurney, with the white sheet covering you both as you lay side by side. And there was that window right behind you, and I could see green plants right outside the window. It was as if that greenery was mocking me that it was growing and thriving, and you were no longer doing the same.

I miss you both so terribly.

Love,
Mom

Christmas Without You

Dear  AMM,

I look at Christmas decorations, and I think of you. I hear Christmas music, and I think of you. I hear people talking about Christmas, and I think of you.

Are you enjoying yourself up there? I can just imagine you...decorating the biggest Christmas tree ever, with the most exquisite decorations ever. It must dwarf everything around it. And you are happy, creating your Christmas tree.

I wish I could decorate it with you. I wish I could see your creation.

Love always,

Mom

Please Don't

Please don't dictate to me my relationship with God. Please don't tell me how I should communicate with God. What works for you, does not neccessarily work for me. I am happy for you that you feel spiritually connected. Why can't you be happy for me for my relationship with God? Why does it have to be your way???? Do you think you are the "pro"?????

You mean well, but you sound arrogant. You sound like " I am the expert. My relationship with God is better than your relationship with God". Oh really??????

I love you, but please stop. STOP. Don't give me religious lectures. Don't tell me what I am feeling. Don't tell me how I am supposed to feel. How do YOU know????

Plesae don't cheapen my sacred relationship with my God like that.  STOP.

A Beautiful Fall Day

Dear AMM,

today I went outside. A beautiful, crisp fall day...a perfect saturday . Except, that I missed you both. What's new, right? Do you think I'm a pathetic loser for repeating myself, saying the same stuff? Do you cringe when I sit at your grave and cry for both of you? I try to be brave, I try to LIVE, but the pain is still there. Whoever said time heals all wounds, well, they lied. Time covers pain, just as dust collects on the desk in your room. But as soon as you blow away the dust, the desk is still there. Just as is the pain, the agony.

Today, when I was outside, I kept on thinking how today was the perfect day for a hayride for you and I. Remember last year when we went on the haunted hayride??? That was so much fun. Today we could have picked some pumpkins up, you could have decorated the house for Halloween as you used to. And I would have asked you to make those delicious, melt in my mouth cookies you used to whip up. We could have then snuggled in front of the fireplace, watching a movie.

What have you been doing lately? Anything exciting? Have you met any of the

famous artists? Hey, how about Lucille Ball? That would be so cool.

Well, tell QMM I said hi....I love you guys.

Love always,

Mom

Dear QMM and AMM,

yesterday your dad said we are the unluckiest people in the world. Are we? I don't know.

I had the funnest, and at times challenging, times with you QMM. You brought excitement into my life. I was so proud of you. I used to worry that something bad would happen to you, for you seemed to be pretty close to perfection...charm, looks, smarts. I was always on my toes with you around...what would you be up to next? How you used to make me laugh. I was fortunate to have had that excitement in my life for 15 years.

And AMM, you gave me love to last a lifetime. I understood you, and you understood me. You loved me so much. Your daily hugs, your daily kisses. Your warm snuggles. Your back massages you used to give me. The laughter. The pride I felt in your accomplishments. I am so fortunate to have had that love for 12 years in my life.

So, no, I am not the unluckiest person in the world. I vehemently protest that statement. I am the LUCKIEST person in the world to have had you both for my sons. I am the luckiest person to have MAM as my daughter. I am the luckiest person to have BAM as my husband. I am the luckiest person, for I have you guys waiting for me when I get to the other side.

Love always,

Mom