Christmas Without You

Dear  AMM,

I look at Christmas decorations, and I think of you. I hear Christmas music, and I think of you. I hear people talking about Christmas, and I think of you.

Are you enjoying yourself up there? I can just imagine you...decorating the biggest Christmas tree ever, with the most exquisite decorations ever. It must dwarf everything around it. And you are happy, creating your Christmas tree.

I wish I could decorate it with you. I wish I could see your creation.

Love always,

Mom

A Beautiful Fall Day

Dear AMM,

today I went outside. A beautiful, crisp fall day...a perfect saturday . Except, that I missed you both. What's new, right? Do you think I'm a pathetic loser for repeating myself, saying the same stuff? Do you cringe when I sit at your grave and cry for both of you? I try to be brave, I try to LIVE, but the pain is still there. Whoever said time heals all wounds, well, they lied. Time covers pain, just as dust collects on the desk in your room. But as soon as you blow away the dust, the desk is still there. Just as is the pain, the agony.

Today, when I was outside, I kept on thinking how today was the perfect day for a hayride for you and I. Remember last year when we went on the haunted hayride??? That was so much fun. Today we could have picked some pumpkins up, you could have decorated the house for Halloween as you used to. And I would have asked you to make those delicious, melt in my mouth cookies you used to whip up. We could have then snuggled in front of the fireplace, watching a movie.

What have you been doing lately? Anything exciting? Have you met any of the

famous artists? Hey, how about Lucille Ball? That would be so cool.

Well, tell QMM I said hi....I love you guys.

Love always,

Mom

A letter to the boys

Dear QMM, and AMM,

why did you, especially you, AMM, leave me behind???? What am I supposed to do now????

AMM, the sun used to rise and set for me with your smiles. I feel lost, alone without you. The world seems so large, so empty, so joyless without you. I miss you so.

QMM, sometimes I find I cannot even think about you...it just hurts too much. You were my shining star. My world is dark without you. I miss you so.

Love always,

Mom

AMM and His Early Social Skills

So, today I was remembering some of my AMM's antics when he was much younger. I'm talking about before his preschool days. I always thought at that point of his life he was different. Being ignorant of developmental delay warning signs, I chalked up his being "different" to being pampered since he was the youngest, as well as having asthma. Now I know it was part of his Aspergers.

I was remembering (and yes, chuckling) when we went to the neighbors house. Her big golden retriever came lopping up to us and licked AMM's face. AMM responded by licking him back on his nose. My neighbor was aghast, "No, don't do that!" she said, as I held him back from the dog before he started further licking exchanges. Actually, as I recall, the dog even seemed taken aback!

At that time of his life we would watch Blue's Clues, a show about a dog named Blue (and of course, he was the color blue) along with his owner, whose name I can't recall. One day, Blue was licking his owner's face. AMM must have thought that was appropriate behavior, so turned to me and started licking my face! No, I told him, dogs do that, not humans! He got the message...as far as I know!

And finally, I was remembering how, after watching a show with cows grazing in the field, he proceeded to the front lawn, got down on all fours...and then started to "graze" on a dandelion. In other words, eating it. Guess what my reaction was ???? "No, AMM, people do not do that. Animals do that." Again, as far as I know, he got the message!

I was and am so lucky to have had such a great son. He overcame so many obstacles in his short life, left a legacy of his artwork for us, memories filled with laughter and love. He gave me so much love, made me feel so special. Even though I ache to have him back, I also realize it was an honor to have been his mother. Thank-you God, and thank-you AMM. You were, and are, the best.

This Is It

Oh God, I am in a situation that I cannot improve. I can't research and buy products like I used to for helping AMM. I can't go back to school and study like I did when I hurt my back repeatedly. I can't switch from floor nursing to a supervisory role like I did when I hurt my hand. This is it, this is my life now.

They are both gone forever. This is it. I can't do anything to bring them back, to improve the situation. I accept this, but it hurts so much. This morning when I woke up all I could think of was AMM. How he would come early in the morning or late at night knocking on our bedroom door. He would be standing there, in his pj's, asking if he could come in and snuggle. I never said no. He was the best snuggler. He would come into our bed, cuddle up with me, and fall asleep (usually).

I pine for him. This feeling is so strong, so overwhelming. Just to have him again, back in my life. Just to be with him. Just to talk to him. Just to touch him. Just to hold him. Just to laugh with him. This sense of pining feels like a tsunami wave. It just hits me, rendering me incapable of escaping. It pushes me under, into the deep recesses of the wave. I don't know if I'm in the ocean or on land; all I know is that I am engulfed, swamped. Flailing in the abyss, that is how I pine for AMM. And AMM, you are nowhere to be found. Nowhere. I miss you.

Pinch punch, first day of the month.

When I was a kid growing up in London, my friends and I used to do a little ritual on the first of the month. "Pinch punch, first day of the month, no return." The goal was to - yes, you got it - pinch and punch someone (gently) on the first of the month. By saying "no return", we confirmed that the recipient of the pinch punch could not retaliate.

I continued this fun (and yes, I know, lame) tradition with my children. The one who enjoyed it the most was AMM. It was his mission to get all of us before we got to him. He would start anticipating it a couple of days beforehand. He was very proud that he had gotten me twelve months in a row (one of his bragging points).

The last few months of his life the first of the month had been tough, for QMM had gotten him first! And being bigger, QMM's pinches and punches were harder. How upset AMM was!

But it was so much fun for AMM and I. He would try to get me while evading my movements to get him, and I would try to evade him while he was trying to get me. He usually won.

Since the boys have left, I have been in a kind of haze, trying to get from one moment to the next without having a total breakdown. As a result, I did not even realize when the first of April, May, June came and went without our silly ritual. But July 1st I did remember. And my heart broke all over again. My pinch punch partner is gone. No more "pinch punch, first day of the month, no return". No more laughter. No more private jokes. No more of that unique bond AMM and I shared. No more.

I Love You, AMM

Ahad's last birthday, his 12th birthday, November 2009

Today I woke up with AMM's name on my lips; memories of him overflowing my mind, cascading over me, soothing me and burning me at the same time. My heart felt as if it were about to burst with thoughts of him. I recalled the first time he said "I love you" to me. I mean, actually SAID it to me. You see, AMM had Aspergers Syndrome , as well as comprehension issues and was therefore unable to properly communicate as a child. He used to exhibit echolalia, which is repeating what one hears. So, if I said I love you to him, he would parrot it back to me. He never initiated it, for him it was something he was incapable of during that time of his life. Throughout his preschool years I would tell him "I love you" and he would repeat back "I love you", not really understanding the emotion behind it.

Ahad started going to a special school when he entered pre-k. They started working with him, and we tried to do our best at home. They would give us suggestions, things to do at home to help AMM so that he could overcome his challenges. I stopped my BSN studies and started learning about Aspergers. I picked his teachers' brains, read books, and went on the internet in my quest to help AMM. I tried to find him the tools, and AMM absorbed everything and worked hard at overcoming his obstacles.

Ahad entered kindergarten in the public school system. He was in a self-contained classroom. During the winter of that year, AMM and I were standing in the laundry room preparing to face the frigid weather outside. I was getting bundled up in my coat,scarf, and gloves. AMM was also getting ready...he had his coat, gloves, and hat on. However, he was looking for his scarf which was not to be found in the laundry room. He made a comment that he was going to be cold without his scarf (he used to bundle up very thoroughly before going out). I automatically took off my scarf and handed it to him. He took it in his gloved hands, looked at me and said with awe in his voice "you would let me wear it?". I answered "of course, you won't be cold now". He stared at me for a second, gripping the scarf in his hand, then suddenly wrapped his arms around my legs and said with emotion in his voice "I love you". I was amazed, I was floored, I was humbled, and I was proud of AMM. He had just TOLD me that he loved me, he didn't just parrot words back to me he had heard. AMM had just conquered one of the obstacles he used to face.

On that icy cold winter day, the sun came out from behind the clouds for me, with a promise of a rainbow. For AMM loved me, and he had told me.

Memories of my AMM

I miss AMM so much. Not that I miss one boy more over the other; it's just that QMM was an independent teenager on his way to becoming a young man. And AMM was my sidekick. Actually, I'm not sure if he was my sidekick, or if I was HIS sidekick. We would watch movies together. Usually, he would get fixated on one movie, so we would watch it repeatedly (as in every day repeatedly!). For some reason, I never got bored..in fact, I looked forward to our movie time together. We would put on the movie, AMM would grab the nearest blanket, and then we would snuggle while watching the movie.

Now, let me tell you about the snuggling. He would curl up alongside my body, or sometimes in my lap. His body was so soft, so malleable, that he would conform his body to mine and we would sit or lie together comfortably, covered with a warm blanket. We were like two peas in a pod.He was so soft, so warm. He had not hit the teenage years yet, so he still had the body of a child, though he was starting to grow taller. What cozy times we had together; not only physically cozy, but also emotionally cozy and satisfying.

It was fun watching TV shows with him too, for the same reason. One of our favorite shows we liked to watch together was Penguins of Madagascar. Yesterday, I watched it for the first time without him. It was an episode we had seen together. I watched it, but didn't enjoy it.I watched it, but didn't see it. I had our blanket on, but I didn't feel cozy or comfortable. All I felt was his absence, and my loss.

For that is what I feel now...lost. AMM was the focus of my life. My goal had been for him to overcome his challenges, make his weaknesses his strengths. And, how well he was doing! I was so proud of his accomplishments, just as he was.

Now I feel as if I am a ship without an anchor, just drifting aimlessly along. There is no destination now; I am allowing the winds of life to push me where they may, the waves of fate can move me wherever they wish to take me.

I miss how he would come into my bed - late at night, or early morning - snuggle up against me, conforming his form against my form, and sleep. He fit perfectly in my arms. He was perfect for me.

I am trying to distract myself, to keep myself busy. As well as a new job, I have started other activities. These include blogging, crocheting, taking art lessons, taking piano lessons, as well as continuing to read. But nothing helps. I still feel lost, maybe this is how it will be form now on. This, then, is my new life, my new reality.