Howl My Pain

Dear God,

I want to howl my pain out to You,
Carry my voice beyond the universe to You.
Echo back to me What You will,
May peace finally find me if You will.

Darkness permeates my every core,
My eyes are tired and are so sore.
I cannot understand why they are no more,
I am lost, please find me, there is no joy anymore.

This is wrong.

I know it's a year and that both of you have moved on.
I am so glad for you, and I try to plough on.

But now I find I wander the house at night.
I'm trying to find you, but you are nowhere in sight.

I try to find the positives in life like before;
But right now all I feel is the absence of what was before.

I come home from work, and am surprised not to find you.
I see a boy jogging, and I'm surprised he is not you.

Nightmares engulf me during my sleep.
But now, during the daytime, I find I am steeped in one too deep.

Why is there nobody watching TV?
Why is there nobody raiding the fridge?
Why is there nobody telling me he has no clothes?
Why is there nobody telling me he needs to draw?

My mind knows that you are both forever gone;
But it is the rest of me that shrieks "this is wrong".

As I Walk Around the Quiet House

Walking around the house right now.

Seeing the things you left behind.

It seems as if slowly, I'm going out of my mind.

Maybe it would be a blessing, if I totally lost my mind.

It would definitely be a blessing, to forever close my eyes.

Untitled

Delight

Eternity

Alleviating

Tempting

Heaven

Death Be Not Proud

When I was in high school, I had to read a book titled "Death Be Not Proud" by John Gunther. That book touched my heart at the time. It was written by a father, who had lost his only son. I recall thinking that to lose one's child is a fate worse than death. Now, that is my fate.

In the past few months, I thought of that book. I remembered how he had a poem in there, whose first line was the same as the title of the book. I finally looked it up yesterday, and discovered this poem was from a sonnet actually. It was titled The Holy Sonnet X, and was originally written by John Dunne.
Please let me share it with you.

Death be not proud, thou some have called thee
Mighty and  dreadful, for thou art not so,
For,those, whom thou thinkst, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst though kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

Just a Poem

My sons, I hope you know how much I love you.

My life is so painfully empty now without you.

No more monopoly games that include you.

No more vacation trips with the both of you.

Sorrow fills every pore of my being.

What is it that I'm supposed to be doing?

I miss the way I would tickle you.

I miss the way I would endlessly tease you.

Life is now so unbearable without you.

I keep on thinking, what to do without you?

Sorrow fills every pore of my being.

What is it that I'm supposeed to be doing?

God Surround Me

I want to die, it's not a lie.

What a coward I am, for I will be damned.

God surround me with your grace,

So I do not make a fatal mistake.

Thoughts creep into my once happy mind.

But I push them away, or else my goal I will not find.

Till I Get To You

This pain, this pain for you,

It's driving me insane.

I look everywhere for you,

But totally in vain.

I try to live this life,

Something I feel I cannot do.

It's just an existence now,

Till I get to you.

The Ceiling Fan

A beautiful ceiling fan was put up in a room.

Bright, shiny, and new, it thought it had a lot to do.

But the room wasn't used much, and much to its gloom,

The fan wasn't used as such, it didn't have anything to do.

And so it hung there, in that darkened room.

Till, suddenly, one day, the room started to be used.

Voices, joy, and laughter filled the once quiet room.

The fan was so happy; it started to be used.

The fan looked down and saw who was in the room.

Two young boys, it seemed, who had brought life to the room.

The fan was so happy, it had so much to do.

The fan continued rotating, rotating to cool the room.

Suddenly, one day, chaos seemed to ensue.

The fan looked down, as below, the boys refused to move.

No longer were they breathing, no longer did they move.

The fan kept on rotating...what else could it do?

The lifeless forms were taken out, never to return.

The fan was no longer needed, again nothing to do.

The lights were turned out, the fan stood still, again in the gloom.

In the darkness it wondered why they had to leave so soon.

Please...

Is there any way you can come back to me?

If there is, please do it, please.

I don't know if you can see,

My life without you is pure agony.

Where They Both Be

Sweet death, come and embrace me.

Wrap your wretched talons around me.

Squeeze the ebbing life out of me.

Take me away to where they both be.

Help me be happy like I once used to be,

For after all, this isn't how it was supposed to be.

This is most unbearable, can't you see?

That I need to be where they both be.

Three Boys

Three boys standing together,

Where there should be four.

Three boys laughing together,

It makes my loss feel more.

Three boys growing together,

As so should have you.

These boys will grow old together,

But will never forget you.

Cousin Get Together 2010

This picture is from the summer of 2009 when we went for a weekend trip in NYC
Airy mountains,

I love the view.

But through it all,

There's no sight of you.

Frolicking children in the pool,

But not one of them is either of you.

Days will come, days will go,

My love will stay for both of you.

This poem was written when I was in the mountains of Vermont, as I was watching AMM and QMM's cousins playing in the pool.

My Coin Collection

This poem is dedicated to QMM.

I had a coin collection, that I was going to leave to you.

But now that you're gone, I don't know what to do.

Who else will appreciate my coins, the way I saw you do?

Who else will warm my heart, the way you used to do?

The coins, will stay now in my drawer; they have nothing else to do.

Slowly, they will gather dust, as my tears fall for you.

For you see, my dear, they used to be a fun thing to do.

My greatest treasure in the world was all three of you.

No One To Replace You

Long summer days are longer without you.

Fireworks are no longer bright without you.

Life is so lonely now without you.

My arms are empty, they cannot hold you.

Cooling ice-cream has no charm without you.

The movie theater has empty spaces for you.

The backyard screams to me it wants you.

The driveway wonders, where exactly are you?

Your bedrooms await, waiting for you.

Your beds are cold, waiting to warm you.

Your clothes remain where they were left by you.

Your shoes gather dust, there is no one to replace you.

Soothe me

This picture is from September 2009, when we went to a Rutgers home game.

Soothe me, my boys, come and soothe me.

Only you and God, can do that for me.

There is nothing left here on earth for me.

Angel of Death, please come and release me.

Beautiful memories

This picture is from the summer of 2009, when we went to Niagara Falls.

Beautiful memories that make me cry,

In the empty house that mournfully sighs.

To touch your clothes with wistful longing,

Cuts to my soul...I have no sense of belonging.